Dear Friend Nine9 Reveals Jonghyun’s Final Letter


On December 19, Dear Cloud’s Nine9, a close friend of Jonghyun, released his final letter, which he had left in her care and asked her to reveal to the public should he ever leave the world.

“I had my final goodbye with Jonghyun. I can see his smile from the portrait picture in the morgue, and it still seems like Jonghyun will come and smile at me as if it was a bad dream.

For a period of time, Jonghyun shared his inner dark stories with me. He was struggling on daily basis.

When I suspicious of his emotional well being, I let his family know and tried to direct him to the right path, but in the end, it just delayed his final days, and it was not enough to stop him. Still, I cannot believe that he is not in this world with us anymore, and it is very painful.

I was not sure whether I should be posting his will or not, still contemplating in fact, but Jonghyun asked a favor to release his final words if he leaves this world behind.

I was really hoping that this day would not come…..

After I discussed this with his family, we have made a decision to release his written will. There must be a reason why he had left this with me.

I know that this would ignite some controversies, I know that he had thought of that already when he passed this message to me, this is for me to grant his last wish, so I made a decision to do what he asked me to do.

I really hope that everyone finally knows that Jonghyun was not alone, and I also wanted to say thanks to him and that he had done really well. 

Please tell him that he did good, and a job well-done, and thanks for enduring his pain till now.

Beautiful Jonghyun, I love you lots and I will continue to love you a lot.

Please don’t get hurt and rest in peace up there.

– Dear Cloud’s Nine

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. 종현과 마지막 인사를 하고 왔어요. 웃고 있는 영정사진을 보고서도 저는 여전히 종현이가 제게 다가와 이 모든 게 꿈이었던 것처럼 웃어줄 것 같았습니다. 얼마 전부터 종현이는 제게 어둡고 깊은 내면의 이야기들을 하곤 했어요. 매일같이 많이 힘들었던 것 같아요. 불안한 생각이 들어 가족들에게도 알리고 그의 마음을 잡도록 애썼는데 결국엔 시간만 지연시킬 뿐 그 마지막을 막지 못했습니다. 아직도 이 세상에 그가 없다는 게 믿어지지 않고 너무 괴롭습니다. 지금도 이 글을 올리는게 맞는 건지 겁도 나지만 종현이 본인이 세상에서 사라지면 이 글을 꼭 직접 올려달라고 부탁을 했어요. 이런 날이 오지 않길 바랐는데… 가족과 상의 끝에, 그의 유언에 따라 유서를 올립니다. 분명 저에게 맡긴 이유가 있을 거라고 생각해요. 논란이 있을 거란 걱정도 하고 있습니다. 하지만 그마저도 예상하고 저에게 부탁을 했을 거란 생각에 제가 종현이를 위해 할 수 있는 마지막 일을 해야겠다고 결정했습니다. 이제라도 종현이 혼자가 아니었다는 것을 알아주길 바라요. 그리고 수고했다고…정말 잘했다고… 잘 참아줘서 고맙다고 얘기해주세요… 아름다운 종현아 정말 많이 사랑해 앞으로도 많이 사랑할게. 그곳에서는 부디 아프지 않고 평안하기를 바라. . . 유서 전문입니다. . . 난 속에서부터 고장났다. 천천히 날 갉아먹던 우울은 결국 날 집어삼켰고 난 그걸 이길 수 없었다. 나는 날 미워했다. 끊기는 기억을 붙들고 아무리 정신차리라고 소리쳐봐도 답은 없었다. 막히는 숨을 틔어줄 수 없다면 차라리 멈추는게 나아. 날 책임질 수 있는건 누구인지 물었다. 너뿐이야. 난 오롯이 혼자였다. 끝낸다는 말은 쉽다. 끝내기는 어렵다. 그 어려움에 여지껏 살았다. 도망치고 싶은거라 했다. 맞아. 난 도망치고 싶었어. 나에게서. 너에게서. 거기 누구냐고 물었다. 나라고 했다. 또 나라고 했다. 그리고 또 나라고했다. 왜 자꾸만 기억을 잃냐 했다. 성격 탓이란다. 그렇군요. 결국엔 다 내탓이군요. 눈치채주길 바랬지만 아무도 몰랐다. 날 만난적 없으니 내가 있는지도 모르는게 당연해. 왜 사느냐 물었다. 그냥. 그냥. 다들 그냥 산단다. 왜 죽으냐 물으면 지쳤다 하겠다. 시달리고 고민했다. 지겨운 통증들을 환희로 바꾸는 법은 배운 적도 없었다. 통증은 통증일 뿐이다. 그러지 말라고 날 다그쳤다. 왜요? 난 왜 내 마음대로 끝도 못맺게 해요? 왜 아픈지를 찾으라 했다. 너무 잘 알고있다. 난 나 때문에 아프다. 전부 다 내 탓이고 내가 못나서야. 선생님 이말이 듣고싶었나요? 아뇨. 난 잘못한게 없어요. 조근한 목소리로 내성격을 탓할때 의사 참 쉽다 생각했다. 왜 이렇게까지 아픈지 신기한 노릇이다. 나보다 힘든 사람들도 잘만 살던데. 나보다 약한 사람들도 잘만 살던데. 아닌가보다. 살아있는 사람 중에 나보다 힘든 사람은 없고 나보다 약한 사람은 없다. 그래도 살으라고 했다. 왜 그래야하는지 수백번 물어봐도 날위해서는 아니다. 널위해서다. 날 위하고 싶었다. 제발 모르는 소리 좀 하지 말아요. 왜 힘든지를 찾으라니. 몇번이나 얘기해 줬잖아. 왜 내가 힘든지. 그걸로는 이만큼 힘들면 안돼는거야? 더 구체적인 드라마가 있어야 하는거야? 좀 더 사연이 있었으면 하는 거야? 이미 이야기했잖아. 혹시 흘려들은 거 아니야? 이겨낼 수있는건 흉터로 남지 않아. 세상과 부딪히는 건 내 몫이 아니었나봐. 세상에 알려지는 건 내 삶이 아니었나봐. 다 그래서 힘든 거더라. 부딪혀서, 알려져서 힘들더라. 왜 그걸 택했을까. 웃긴 일이다. 지금껏 버티고 있었던게 용하지. 무슨 말을 더해. 그냥 수고했다고 해줘. 이만하면 잘했다고. 고생했다고 해줘. 웃지는 못하더라도 탓하며 보내진 말아줘. 수고했어. 정말 고생했어. 안녕.

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Below is the full text of Jonghyuns will as Nine posted:

“I am broken from the inside.

Depression, which was eating me away, has devoured me in the end, and I could not beat it.

I hated myself. I held onto my broken memories and shouted at myself to pull it together, but there was no answer.

I asked who could take care of me. Only you.

I was utterly alone. (Ending one’s life) is easier said than done. Which is why I’ve stayed alive until now.

(You) said I wanted to run away. Right. I wanted to run away. From me. From you.

I asked who’s there. Said it’s me. Again, said it’s me. And again said it’s me.

I asked why I kept losing memories. I was told it’s because of my personality. Right. So, in the end, it’s all my fault.

I wanted you to notice, but no one knew. Of course you don’t know that I even exist since you never met me.

I asked, why do you live? No reason. No reason. Everyone lives for no reason.

If you ask me why I died, I’ll say I was tired.

I was haunted and agonized. I never learned how to turn endless pain into joy.

Pain is just pain.

You scolded me not to do it.

Why? Why can’t I even end (my life) the way I want to?

You told me to find out why I am sick.

I know it too well. I am sick because of myself. It’s all my fault and it’s because I am worthless. Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear? No. I did nothing wrong. I thought it was easy to be a doctor when you blamed my personality with that sweet voice of yours.

It’s amazing how I am so sick to this point. People who are more troubled than me keep on living. People who are weaker than me keep on living. That’s not true. There is no one alive who is more troubled and weaker than I am.

But you told me to keep on living.

I asked hundreds of times why, and it wasn’t for me. It was for you. I wanted to live for me.

Please stop saying stupidities.

Find out why I’m troubled? I told you many times why I’m troubled. That’s not enough to trouble me this much? Do I need a more specific drama? More stories? I told you already. Are you sure you weren’t half-listening? What you can overcome doesn’t leave a scar.

I was not fit to face the world. I wasn’t meant to be known to the world. That’s why I was troubled. Because I faced the world and was known. Why did I choose this way. It’s funny.

It’s hard to believe that I’ve held out until now.

What more can you say. Just tell me I did a good job. That I’ve done well enough. Tell me I worked hard.

You might not be able to smile, but don’t blame me when you send me away.

Good job.

You really worked hard.

Bye. ”

– Jonghyun

Jonghyun’s funeral will be held quietly, and SM Entertainment will be arranging a separate location where fans can pay their final respects.